PUNISHED

"For everyone that i loved, i punished.."

Back then I was so dependent with you. In all things and plans, you are with me to direct.
I got my price and it is my freedom. And with this price I was decieved. Then I was lost.

For when that day that I said my prayer loudly, someone heard it other than you, I know.
And he is very decieving. And it is never your fault, for the freedom to choose what is right lead me to no choice but to be captured by my own comfort.
It a crossroad and It was a deceitfull one.

Carrying much burden than I could carry, my life is a real difficult than what it should be. And for a long time, I know, you are there and offering both of your arms. But I said that I could make it alone and hide from you. For I feel so much shame to tell you. I hide though I am so much aware that you know all those things. I am so hardheaded.

And then came a time, that I know i cant do anymore for I am DYING..
You held my hand and remind me that you are my LAST HOPE..

Let the Pain Remain

I.
Love comes, love goes,
But a sudden feeling never lets me be
Somehow I know
Quite a part of me isn;t changed
Since you've been gone

Like sturdy tree
That's seen a thousand seasona,
I've shed my leaves in winter
To grow them back in spring
To welcome life again
To welcome you
So goes my life;
Still believe in dreams of having you around

II.
Too bad mem'ries
Feed the mind and not the heart
Where I want you to be
So I ask myself what you have left behind for me
To go on each day to live
As if I have you once again
What else is there that's real
But all the pain that I feel?

Chorus:
So let the pain remain forever in my heart
For ev'ry throb it brings
Is one more moment spent with you
I let the pain, bring on the rain
If that's the only way, if there's no other way
To be with you again..

repeat II
repeat chorus

..If that's the only way
(if that's the only way)
(If there's no other way)
To be with you again..

A BREACH on a WALL

Time's up.
It quite a long time since I said that I will keep myself inside my imaginary wall.
Too tired with my silentness that separated me from my real world.
For years, I been playing it safe and far from them.
Yeah. Honestly it is such a pride that I maintained it that long.
For lately I realized that the wall I built to keep the sadness is also keeping away the joy.
And I hold on to that principle that no one can hurt me until they knew about it.
I been living a lie.
Now, I have decided to give it up..

I also have the right to feel what they are feeling..for I am human.
I deserved to be sad yet I also deserve to be happy.
Though I know, it would not be that easy, for there are people whom I will hurt as I am also hurting myself since then.

But the pain worth it.

The wall in which a long time ago is STRONG..is now breached.
And I watched patiently if there's someone who has enough courage to bring it down.
And it is so sad to see that there are many weak than strong. Or maybe, they dont deserve it.

Now, I watched in full amazement, with unfroze heart, for this person who is so weak, but has enough courage to bring down my pride..and convince me to at least give it a try..

For I my mind and my stupid pride really cant understand it..but my heart knows it well..
Speaking of LOVE, is it UNCONDITIONAL and no specifications set..everyone deserves it-just like me :-)

You

(Dedicated to a new friend)

You by Basil Valdez

I.
You give me hope,
The strength, the will to keep on;
No one else can make feel this way
And only you
Can bring out all the best I can do;
I believe you turn the tide
And make me feel real good inside

II.
You pushed me up
When I'm about to give up'
You're on my side when no one seems to listen
And if you go
You know the tears can't help but show
You'll break this heart and tear it apart;
Then suddenly the madness starts

Chorus:
It's your smile
Your face, your lips that I miss,
Those sweet little eyes that stare at me
And make me say,
I'm with you through all the way.

'Cause it's you
Who fills the emptiness in me;
It changes ev'rything , you see,
When I know I've got you with me

repeat II
repeat Chorus twice

Two Wine in a Glass

A sad fact that I learned recently for two months of depression,
(Yes I can honestly say), that it is the so called LOVE that burdened too much my shoulder.
A days and night of neverending pain.
Lossing my senses, I went my everday souless and heartless.
Thanks that it had just PASSED.
Too many letters to confide how sad and how hard to be on that situation.
For I tasted the bitterness of love recently.
But now I am here holding the same glass filled with the same wine, but the bitterness were vanished with its sweetness.

And I am beginning to like it but I know that it may end so soon..so I am making the moment last in my dreams.
Tonight, I know I will have the most peacefull sleep of my LIFE..:-)

ECHOES: Walking the Talk

Lately, i have this thing in which i realized, for people around me taught great lessons far more than my soul understand. It always feel good to learn these things and I found so gratefull for them who let me understand and see and hear these stuff.

1. RESPECT: He that donot know how to respect others because he himself were having no respect to himself.
He cant give it to others because he himself lacks it.

2. LOVE and SEX: Sex ofcourse is not love. For it is ONLY take charge of the reproduction while love is the stopper for someone to stop the tiredfull search. Love is far more than pleasure. It is far more than obligation. Far more than PAIN. The more you fall into the more you het hurt-BUT-its worth it.

3. OBEDIENCE: Nobody cant follow a leader who has no obedience to his teachings and rules. If He cant WALK the TALK, then, He is not worthy to be followed.

4. SENSE of Humor: All things must be in the right place and time, else it LOSSES its value.

:-)

BLANK PAGES

I been writing since then, for more than 10 years now.
Poems, short stories, haikus about my everyday life and moments.
For writing is my souls way to communicate.
I wrote several things about love and romance, friendship and family.
Yet, writing sad pieces were among the best stuff that i wrote.
Sad life, sadness, emptiness, pain, mournfull moments, sacrifices were among themes.

I been writing anywhere.
Some old notebooks i found lately were having notes which i made almost more than 8 years then.
It always interest me to read those familiar lines that rhymes at the end.
It a song of my soul and I know was born with it.

Today, I am planning to purchase a hard covered notebook to write more of my sad songs.
But, i have check some of my old notes with still half of the pages untouched.

Maybe I could use some those pages nowadays to write more pieces :-)

LISTEN to what I am NOT SAYING

For when I say things, I know you are listening well.

And yet, there are more than I can say but I cannot say

For perhaps, it is more than pride

And is far more than respect to you.

For I been telling something behind your back

And it is neither good nor bad

For it is the truth which I want to convey

I full honesty..for I know you deserve it.

I think more than twice for months and years

I need not to say anything yet I said much

Too much to give you a clue,

Too much for you to NOT understand

I enjoyed the show...

Listen to what I am not saying,

You are too smart to understand those words

Too brilliant to fool yourself and me

For I been hearding things far more than you said and done

And far more than you show it

It is the thing that makes me smile

And call each day a bliss.

Dont LOVE a GHOST..

How could a ghost be loved?

She didnt even know her name or her place

She didnt even have a heart to show..

But her emotion is a stillness of neverending sadness

for a BAD FATE that come across her.

I once saw this little girl and ask her:

What happened to you my dear?

And never i got a respond from her,

For she had nothing to tell

Its quite desperate to keep seing her

In days and night, I pray

For she didnt know where she should go

Nor she know where shes going

To seek for direction and truth

There is no place for such emotionless being

For the whole day keeps on bugging her

And its the night that invites her to find her peace

For there is no peace in the eyes

Of people around her..

Last night I said my last prayer:

That she might found her destiny

Else tomorrow morning she need to move on

For there is no place she should be

Except to get LOST...

Goodbye my dear:-(

Behind the Wall

I used to close the front gate with main door left open, but now it is raining hard outside so even the window panes were closed with curtains rolled down.

The room is locked and too dim.

I sat on my feet chilling. I am so alone.

I stare in the ceiling. The white ceiling in which moving pictures were reflected through my pounding head.

I been checking my face in the mirror for 3 weeks now and its quite impressive to see.

I smile and the mirror smiled back at me..

I myself, were convinced, I never looked so down ever since.

Its a great achievement for me and my stupid pride.

No one should know that i am walking ghostly to work.

Afraid to get notice and hate to be pitied and criticised by those eyes for I am- a woman of my own.

I Am STRONG.

At lease, since then, I proved it.

I am a living proof. For I know within me, i been 9 and a half years survivor of life's tragedy.

For 9 and a half year, I am paying a debt I did not owe to noone.

Chilling. The winds is too cold.

I hug the throw pillows and my blanket to keep myself warm.

I never felt so alone and cold like this before.

But I should be thankfull-for at least now, with PAIN, i can feel LIFE more..

Love is for LOSERS.

I left the feeling long time ago.

That day when my head is pounding hard and my eyes were sore with too much tears.

And the night stare at me as I cry silently on my room.

With my pen, I can say all things i want to say in your face-yeah, I did! I wrote two poems for you, my love.

If only I could read each one loud to you, that you might understand what I have here inside my heart.

Cant stand more pain than ever.

For I been disillusioned by my childhood dream-

Love is for LOSERS.

Back then, I never thought that I will be on that sad corner and will cry so hard as if lossing something important-far important than my pride.

Yes, I am a Loser

Love indeed is for losers. And despite the fact that I cant stand no more, my heart plea to my soul to stop.

And my hands were bleeding holding on for your love. I cant give no more but i cant give up either.

For I consider you as my PRIDE.

But I am entirely WRONG.

And I promise NOT to hurt myself no more.

But I dont see any way to gain triumph than this.

To me, just standing beside you is my happiness.

And your smile is my sunshine..

You are a sad gift of love for me-for I am a LOSER.

Falsely Fallen

There are things

you've LOVE tohear

that you would

NEVER hear from

the PERSON whom

you would LIKE

to hear them from -

BUT

don't be so DEAF

as NOT to HEAR it

from the ONE

who says it

from their HEART...

Larger than Life

I never missed to look at the envelop today.
Ofcourse i should tell you, P, for you must know.
I need to share this as i have promised, dont be sad, my friend, for I am only have the sole right to do so.
I captured the last quick breath as my eyes read it.
My Lord, how could my 15th days will evolved with this amount?

Sad to tell you, but life's like this, right?

BestFriends Forever

Back then, I wish that our bonds must be cut-off.

Temporarily, it felt good until i feel that our relationship is suffocating and more controlling.

I persistently demolish the fact that i need you.

You are too heavy to carry but as a shield, i began to feel a comfort when you're beside me.

I bleed but you tell me that its okay as long as we're together..and i know you are right.

We play silently and alone on my room. So silent that even the closest person to me did not even notice it.

When I went to school, we agreed that that you wil be left behind.

When I went home, you agreed to stay away from me so that my family wont know.

Yeah its hard for you but thank you that you just sticked to the plan.

For two years, our relationship grow too fast that i thought you are indeed a good friend.

In you, all my fear, discouragement, frustrations were hiden from their criticism and greater expectation.

One weekend, while i was alone you said that maybe we can have a very memorable moment.

I maybe out of mind then that i almost did a biggest mistake of my life.

Again, i saw myself bleeding but i didnt think of other things but to escape with you.

1 day and two nights, I stare in infinity of time.

I saw my soul departed from my body as familiar faces cries around me.

But fate really is cruel, i dont deserve to end up my life that simple-i wake up the next day.

Graduation past and i got a job in which i am still now.

For 7.6 years, were together, invisible and free from criticism.

I must thank you for not leaving me.

Some says I am different but I laugh it off.

yeah, I laugh it off, because they are all the same.

Some says I am good, and it feels so good to hear.

For I made a great effort to hide you.

For I dont want them to see my invisible wound.

Some says i dont have any reason to have you beside me.

Because they dont really know what we've been through.

You and I, my friend, is a powerfull shield against invaders who dont have other intention but to hurt us.

For i want to keep up with peoples great expectation.

And I take pride that i am standing still despite the wound i have in the most vital part of my being-my heart.

I leave my life alone and i must be strong for i am still breathing despite the bleeding of my soul.

I understand that i am not living for my own.

I am living for my family- and that is the most important thing.

I must survive-for you said that we must be together until the end.

Each day, I feel more and more of you and i am getting sicked of my life.

To be honest, this is the reason why i go to sleep too early.

That my mind rest in quietness of night, even for only few hours.

But dont worry i am yours still because we're bestfriend, right?

"Pain and Jane foever"

PAIN in My Heart

Here I am alone in this empty room
And let my mind fly you to the end
Thoughts of you still linger in my memory

Wondering why my Life is not that fair

I could still recall

Those memories of you

The joy and all your laughter

The love that we've been through

Oh, I can't believe you're gone

Oh, no

Talkin to myself for no reasons I could find

Findin' out why everything went wrong

Tears falling down my cheeks that

I've been trying to hold

It doesnt know if I could still go on

I wanted you to stay

The tears begin to show

You said you cared for me

But then you had to go

And now I know you're gone

But I dont want to remember

The things (we used do/that we've been through)

And all the things that remind me of you

And I dont want to hear the songs

The songs we used to sing

'Coz I dont wanna feel the pain in my heart

I just can't believe you're gone

No, no..

I dont wanna feel

Yeah, I dont wanna feel the pain in my heart

I dont wanna feel, dont know what went wrong ohhh..

Angel of Sadness

My Loneliness is my Strenght..

Blood of My Soul

I just heard it loud to my ears..

So will I say its not true?

Then why I am bleeding?

No need to deny the feeling

No need to play hide and seek.

For this time, I know

It is the truth that I must faced.

Same thing with the wound

Long time forgotten,

At least i could say that

It hurts no more..

Feelings lost.

But now

The what I supposed to be scar,

Long time healed

Long time ignored

Long time kept

In secret vault of sadness.

I look down and saw all were still there,

I loss all my emotion

I loss all my pride

I am bathing in blood

I am not shocked

I know that this will end..

But the saddest thing is that

It only just began..:-(

Beneath your Wings

Cant recall the last time i come with You.

But last night..I decided that I need to..

How could I forget that moment,

When I bow down and loss all

Of my pride and let myself rest

In silence and peace

In loving embrace of Your presence?

I loss a cup of diamonds

which i kept inside for years

of guilt and unforgiveness

And I dont have any regrets

but strenght that atlast

I give up and surrender.

All my heartaches

and worries..

I can NO longer bear

So I must say

that little moment

I felt as if eternity comes

and lost my soul to it.

How I wish that

it may NOT end

so that I may not feel

again the PAIN.

And Wake no more

in live nightmare

that devours my day to day

I wish I could be dead by tomorrow

And escaped past to my burden

and to bear heavy the weight.

But you, keeps me awake and

Let me open my eyes in daylight

That I may find my rest in dawn...

STEVEN SILVA

mY StEvEN..Sarangheayo Oppah!

Kindness

Kindness

is the

Language

which

the

DEAF

can HEAR

and the

BLIND

can SEE